Hiatus

Ok....so...it has been a while since I have posted, practically a month. It has been a doozy of a month, but  things are looking up again. I tend to be a really open person, and sometimes when life is particularly challenging, it isn't the right thing to post it all out there, especially when I am not the only one affected. If I was, it would be right here. My view is if my experiences can help another in anyway, then all the better. However since the struggles aren't just mine, I don't have the ability to post. Needless to say, I have been on a roller coaster ride that has been more intense than can be engineered physically. I don't know if the ride is over, but at least the extreme declines seem to be not so constant.
There has been much good intermixed with the extreme challenges:
Kayden and Kaitlyn are so wonderful. They aren't just little kids anymore. We have their moments where I can't take the whining and arguing anymore, but those times are getting fewer and farther away.
Kayden is doing pretty well on his school. It is still a struggle sometimes, but he is really trying, and he is developing interests in so many things. He seriously is doing so well in math. He picks it up so quickly that the lesson actually is confusing sometimes because it is too detailed in explaining processes.
Kaitlyn is my wild child. She is so vibrant and full of determination and life. That is my blessing and my struggle...how to help her best. She came to me a few days ago and told me she doesn't like princesses anymore. She told me she doesn't want to wait for a prince to save her. She wants to do the saving. I reminded her that Rapunzel (in Tangled) saved the 'prince,' and that  was okay. She is so...herself. Now the challenge is to get her set in the right direction. One thing that is very positive, is that what she wants to be when she grows up are occupations that help people. First it was an ER doc, currently it is a policeman. She has such a desire to do good.
Me...well I am finding that homeschooling is like a sponge. It soaks up what time is available. I love being there to do schoolwork and encourage my kids. I just have to remember and make time for other things...including laundry and cleaning the house, not to mention other things! I have been working towards running my first half marathon. I am set to do that tomorrow. I am trying to take a math class, but it is hard when I have a few minutes here and there to do it in. However, I am learning and getting so I am understanding it.
So here I am again. I think I am at a point where I can blog again! It has been said so many times that time is a great healer. I didn't realize how true that is until this last several months. It doesn't make things go away, but life can go on, and it is good. It allows perspective to come into focus and make for even greater growth and healing.

It's all about what you call it!!!

A while ago, I tried to introduce fresh ground whole wheat pancakes to my kids. They were not impressed. I tried again the other day, but this time I had an idea. When they think pancakes, they think of pancakes made with krusteaz pancake mix. So this time I called them flapjacks, and told them the pioneers ate them (or something like them). We have had them for breakfast every morning this week because they love them...
 Ingredients:
1 c whole wheat pastry flour (ground white wheat)
1 t baking powder (aluminum free)
1/2 t salt
1/2 t cinnamon
1 T sugar
1 1/4 c milk (give or take depending upon how thick
you like your pancake batter.
Mix and cook on a hot griddle. Makes about 9 medium pancakes.
Top with applesauce and cinnamon sugar or jam.

Kayden this last month or so...

So this last month when I have been so overwhelmed, we have done lots of things, and here is some of what Kayden has been up to:
Kayden has really enjoyed his compound bow. He and his Grandpa made a target to practice on. The hardest thing is finding a time when no other kids are around so he can practice...

Kaydens Hawaii cousins came to visit for about a week and a half. He had a taste of what it's like to be a big brother to more than one kid...he liked it...some of the time! =)

My friend gave us tickets to UVU's Owls baseball game. Kayden had fun harrassing the players and running up and down the hill we were sitting on. However when the game started and he had to be still, the fun was over for him! He gets bored really fast!

Kayden did most of the lawn mowing this summer. Maybe next summer he will be ready to take on a few lawns! He has done a great job. I love to send him out to play, and hear the lawn mower start up. It makes me one proud Mama!!

One fun thing about being homeschooled are the things we randomly do. A couple weeks ago I heard about this science demonstration at the University of Utah. It sounded amazing so we just picked up and went. Kayden loved it, he learned a bit about astronomy and physics!

Ramblings

It has to be a law of nature that if something is seriously wrong in your personal universe, that opens you up to be magnetized towards other disasters. That seems what is going on here. There is a massive struggle going on right now. The main struggle is not mine, but my struggle is holding everything together during the crisis. Common decency would dictate that when a person is down it doesn't seem like that is a good time to kick him in the most vulnerable spot there is, especially if you are close enough to do serious harm. That is exactly what happened today. What progress has happened with the original problem has been erased and magnified by something almost worse! I am trying to be Christlike and I am trying to come up with the right thing to do/react! And all I want to do is call someone up and let them know exactly what they have done...which I can't do because it would only make the whole situation worse! Honestly I have no words that describe the miriad of thoughts and feelings that have been running through my head, they run the spectrum. I am livid that someone I love who would never purposely hurt another person got so hurt. I feel betrayed that everything we have done for that person means nothing. I feel sorry for the smallness of character of that one person. I don't want to stoop to the same level. I am worried sick about the person who is already barely making it in more that one way. I want to avoid a certain group of people and totally withdraw from a certain area of my current life...which isn't even an option. That is just the surface of what I feel and think right now. I am holding onto my Faith with every ounce of strength I have left. It is what will and is getting me through. I wish I could help my hurt loved one hold on too!

School update for me:

So I have heard that I may not need to take college algebra. Wouldn't that be nice! My enrollment counsellor is worthless...I heard this from my sister, and he has nothing to say except that my transcripts probably will not be evaluated until next month. My sister took the same statistics class I did, and no college algebra. Hmmm...
So I have been dreaming, exploring, and planning. The path I think I am going for is to continue with my masters, then get my FNP. With my FNP I can take any direction I want to, rather than be stuck in one area. Now whether I need to get a doctorate, I don't know...The school community is up in the air and in flux regarding the need for NPs vs DNPs. There is a push to outlaw NPs, and it should go in place by 2015. So, we will see if it is a post masters certificate or a doctorate I need later...I can get no straight answers! That's okay, I have time. This is so exciting to have this dream actually feel attainable! I can visualize it happening! It is going to be a lot of work, but I can do it! Having this dream is getting me through a rough time.

Homeschool...no, Prep School!

So my homeschool is constantly evolving and developing. It has a new focus that is helping me AND Kayden so much! A better term for our home school is Prep School. This homeschool experience is to help prepare him for college. He and I discussed this in great detail, and he is really excited! It has given him a total paradygm shift. Instead of giving him assignments just so I can torture him, I am actually giving him projects to prepare him for college! Nothing really has changed, but with a goal in mind, he has changed. He is doing much better work, and is more willing to do his best. I figure there are really 4 important subjects here...the ability to write well, being able to efficiently pull important information out of reading, math, and computer literacy. That is school down to bare basics. Studying science, history, literature, etc. are all included in this. I am psyched! I feel like it is a continuation of the school that was developed by my parents. The end goal I have in mind is for Kayden to have his bachelors degree by the time he is ready to go on his mission! What a gift to be able to give him!!!

Project TV addiction...a success!!

So a few weeks ago, I wrote about cutting back on tv and wii because
Kayden was seriously addicted. It has been amazing. I allow him a certain amount sometimes, I am able to reward (or entertain--babysit) as needed with it, but the NEED to always be doing it is gone. He has learned to entertain himself and to do other things on his own!!! I forgot that we had the problem until I was just scanning through my previous posts and saw this one! I love realizing that I do have little successes here and there...

Growing pains...

I haven't written for a while for a few reasons. First it is hard to find the time. I have seriously been running as fast as I can all day long every day. I like to be busy, but I am busier than ever. It will be nice when I don't have to log in 3-4 hours at work daily. Right now I could use the extra hours.
Second I am kind of going through a hard time right now. I am okay, but my immediate impulse is to withdraw and shut down where I can. It is a private struggle, so I am not going to blog about it. It's very emotionally draining and if I dwell on it it is easy to feel lost. However, I find I need to hold on to the gospel and to the promptings of the Spirit. I am starting to get some promptings that feel right but I think will be hard to follow through on.  Life really isn't very simple right now. I am feeling the growing pains very well. Burying the issues isn't going to help, I need to dig through and work it out. It would be so easy to try to bury it back up and not deal with it.

The days aren't long enough

I have so much to share, the last few days have been so busy! I just have had no time, and I am working as efficiently as possible. After next week I will have more time since I won't be putting in full time hours. I have been putting in very full weekends and then trying for 3 hours a day. That takes a lot of effort. However I am really liking the direction I am taking at work. My focus is student education, both educating the students and coming up with lesson plans, and working as a resource for the Nurse Case Managers. That is right up my alley...I love to work directly with students and it fits what I need. This makes me the Nurse Student Education Specialist...I like the sound of that!!! Hopefully soon I can catch up here. I have been doing so much with the kids and helping Shaun and exploring school possibilities and just life. It's been crazy =)

Reading and writing program

At the soccer game, I met a lady who shared her favorite program for teaching reading and writing. I honestly have no idea where Kaitlyn is. Some days she won't put 2 sounds together, other days she will read half the words in a book. This program is well put together, and simple, funny and free. It is definitely worth a try.There is a little book that she and I read together, and then there are interactive exercises for writing.www.progressivephonics.com is the link for this program! Wish us luck!!!

Project: TV/Wii addict recovery

I've got just a wee (wii) bit of a problem, my son is addicted to tv. It doesn't matter what is on the tv, a show for Kaitlyn, a commercial, the news...whenever it is on, he zones out. When he doesn't know what to do he wants to watch tv, or play wii. He gets mad anytime I say no. I have had enough!  I discussed my problem with Shaun. Shaun is really hesitant to put a restriction on the kids that he wouldn't like for himself. Shaun's only way to wind down is to also watch tv. However, I explained the problem and we talked about a few possible solutions. He didn't like the "no tv for a week,"solution. My next idea was that he can have an hour a day...give or take according to my discression. This does give a little bit of freedom on my part, if we want a family movie, or if I want to reward with it I can. It's time for Kayden to find other ways to entertain himself. We'll see, the next few days might be a little rough.

Soccer!

Shaun and I took the kids to a homeschool soccer group. It was wonderful! The kids had an amazing time...surprisingly Kayden really seemed to enjoy it! He went from never having played to really participating and working with the team.

Kaitlyn was really funny to watch. She ran with her group, but didn't really connect. When she ran she had her airplane arms out. She had fun too, and that was what really mattered to me.

For me what was wonderful was seeing all these normal (I know what is normal?!) people who all homeschool their kids. Whenever I saw homeschoolers up in Oregon, so many of them were social misfits that I had very little in common with. There was none of that here! I have felt so isolated around here, and it turns out that there is a very large homeschool community full of people who are full of passion and who I have so much in common just below the surface. I am pretty excited about this!

Fun at Discovery Park

Confession: I am a park grinch. I really hate going to parks. I have avoided

going to them like the plague. Today however I found a park I was really impressed with, Discovery Park in Pleasant grove. It is huge and made for kids. It is age appropriate for my kids right now. It is almost all made of wood and looks like a pilgrim fortress that has been kidified. I really don't like parks that are all metal and garish colors. Both of my kids loved it too, though Kaitlyn had the most fun. I think we are going back soon!

To act or to be acted upon...there is a difference!

Every once in a while I get one of those A-HA moments where something I have heard or believe becomes something I know or something that hits reality. I learned something about myself last night. I had some time where I was putting recent puzzle pieces together about my recent past and experiences, and suddenly something became very clear to me. I really dislike having choices made or nearly made for me. I get resentful when someone makes decisions for me or corners me into a place where those decisions are practically made. However, if I am given the same (or similar) circumstance, while my choice might be the same, it truly makes a difference for me to make the choice, rather than for someone to choose for me. I have a feeling that this is a strong point in the make-up of my character. I get the impression that I fought very hard in the pre-earth life for this, because it is such an issue for me here. I suddenly can see this very clearly in every aspect in my life right now. I don't know if this makes much sense to anyone, but to me it is revelatory!

My little herb garden

I love plants! I love the different colors of flowers and folage, but I think out of all the plants I planted this year, I love my little herb garden the most. I have basil, thyme, rosemary, curry

and tricolored sage. Every time I walk by I gently crush a leaf and smell the spicy/sweet oils on my fingers. I love to cook with them, especially the basil. I wish I could have them available all year...

A little peace!

Shaun and I went on a date tonight. It wasn't anything special really, and there was no occasion, we just got away for a couple of hours. It felt so good to be me and him. It's sad that it is so hard to do, but it is so important. We are each creating 2 different lives going in 2 different directions. It's amazing how sharing a few common hours together here and there is enough to knit those 2 different paths. I really do love him a lot. I wish it could be easier to spend time together, but it just isn't. It helps so much to have a common goal that we are working on that is more than just the here and now.

Tonight we went to Cafe Rio, one of our favorite restaurants. It's the only mexican type restaurant that Shaun will go to, and I will take what I can get!! I had pork tamales, and Shaun had his usual, pork burrito.Then we went to Riverwoods to just walk around. They have fun little misting machines set up and it is very well decorated and has a mini rock stage in the middle of the courtyard. They have posh little stores there. The only ones I felt like going into were William-Sonoma (I do love cooking gadget stores!) and Blickenstafs, an upscale toy store. It got me thinking that I really do need to start gathering little things here and there to make Christmas nice.

So we spent a really nice, relaxed couple of hours together. We talked about anything and nothing at all. We had moments of nice companionable quiet just walking around arm in arm. I married an amazing man, and despite (possible because of) everything we have been through lately, I love him more and more! I feel so blessed!!! (I know, sappy, huh? But then a little bit of sap here and there makes it so that this is more than just a passing, superficial thing. There is nothing short-term here, we're in for the extremely long haul!)

Math--grumble, grumble

So I was hoping I wouldn't have to have any math requirements for this program I am looking into. I talked to the enrollment counselor yesterday, and sure enough, I need college algebra. I kind of expected it because it seems to be a requirement everywhere, but I was holding out hope. So I think I am going to get enrolled at BYUs independent study starting with intermediate algebra, and then I'll take college algebra. The last time I did algebra was when I was a teenager eons ago. Maybe my mind has matured and I can look at it as a game or something...Let's see how fast I can get through these 2 classes!

My good kids!

My kids learned a lot by having their cousins stay

with us for a while. I have had very little arguement

with either of them. This morning, Kayden got

his school work done with only a little frustration.

When he was done, he disappeared, and I found

him sweeping the sand that the neighborhood kids

(mine included) have spread around. Then I found my

Kaitlyn cleaning the bathroom without being told!

What a way to a mother's heart!!! They are never

cuter than when they are looking for ways to help out!

Zucchini pasta

I have been waiting for my spaghetti squash to ripen in the garden. I love it!! I will top it with spaghetti sauce, or pesto, or mix with other fresh veggies, parmesan and italian dressing. Regular pasta is something I love that I should never touch...

I had an idea the other day based on Pizza Factory's low carb squash noodles. I took a large squash and cut it into manageable pieces then grated the flesh off leaving the seed core which I tossed.

Then all I did was saute the grated squash until it was soft. If you do that uncovered, there is less moisture that collects than if you cook it covered. Then I just treated it as if it was spaghettisquash! Yummy!!!

It worked!

I have had a small homemade 'no soliciting' sign on the door and it has always been ignored. I really struggle when it is the extremely pressuring ones selling cleaner, or magazines, or Living Scriptures. I feel bad, but I can't just but based on that fact. When I saw this magnet at Quilted Bear, I couldn't resist. The other day I happened to see one of these extremely determined types of sales people and quietly shut the door and waited for the knock...and it never came! In peeking out I saw them walk right by my door!! Phew...what a relief!!!

Wall removal Step 1

We have a plan to make our upstairs living area more open and useful. When our house was built in 1984, there was a different set of priorities. The rooms are rather small, closed in and...boring. It is hard to find ways to arrange things to my taste because there just aren't many options. We have a plan to open things up and make the kitchen bigger. We want to kick out a few walls and move the stairs, which would make it so we could push out the kitchen/living room wall and make the kitchen about 2-3 feet bigger. We have been talking about this plan for years. Now we are looking at making it a reality. We have to take it in steps and slowly for 2 reasons, 1)Money, 2)Shaun (and I) are starting school. Shaun seems to think we can start anyway.

Step 1--Remove the wall between the living room and the dining area. Before we do that, he will reinforce the beams in the attic to enforce support, even though the wall we will be removing is not a weight bearing wall. It will still be a few weeks before we actually do it because it is so hot in the attic. All I have to say is let me get my hands on a sledge hammer!

To be continued...

Making scriptures real for kids

I have been trying real hard to read the scriptures with my kids. However, I find I might as well be reading to them in another language. It really seems hard for them to glean the stories out of the formal archaec style that the scriptures are written in. So I went to the library and found a book of scripture stories...one positive thing about living in Utah. I have started reading that book out loud and so far they are enjoying it. After reading we try to discuss what we read and how we can apply it to our lives. We read about the brother of Jared today and how he and his family was led in the wilderness by the Lord, but they couldn't see him. They could only hear his voice. Kaitlyn wanted to know why Jesus can't let us see him, so we talked about faith on a level that she determined. It was a good reminder discussion for me. I need to constantly look for the hand of the Lord in my life. It is so easy to feel so alone, but if I look closely, it is plain that I am not alone!

Blogs are addicting

It's not like there is enough time in a day to do everything that I need/want to do. That was my Dad's favorite phrase growing up, "There's not enough time in the day to do all the wonderful things there are to do." Sometimes it feels more like a curse than anything!

I started exploring the world of blogs today. There is amazing stuff out there. If I want to figure out how to be creative, all I need to do is look at a few blogs and I've got it made. It makes my little blog feel so humble and boring. I want so bad to be creative, but it is a huge stumbling block. Sorry anyone out there who might be reading, if it is. I'm just getting going. But honestly, I am doing this for me. This is an outlet to share...Me with Myself.

I was really excited. A few years ago, I took the perfect picture of one of my pet rhodendron flowers, and I rediscovered it and it is just what I needed for my blog! Then I found the background with rhodendron leaves on it...it was meant to be!

Chore fun

It can be so hard to get my boy to help out, but the other day he did such a good job helping me mop the floor. I was really proud of the job he did and more importantly the attitude he had when he was doing it!

Cookie Dough

Cookie dough is evil!!! It is the hardest thing to resist. Every time I start to make a batch of cookies I tell myself to be strong and resist. Some cookie doughs are easier than others to be strong. This oatmeal cookie dough is especially hard. I really love the cookies too. They are a recipe that came from Shaun's Grandma Call. They really aren't too bad for you...compared to some of the things you can eat. I like to call them Breakfast Cookies. I feel better giving my kids a couple of these rather than a sugary bowl of cold cereal!!!

Here it is:
Mix:
1 cup canola oil
2 cups sugar
2 eggs
2 cups (or so) applesauce
Add and mix
2 t baking soda
Add:
2 c flour
2 t cinnamon
2 t nutmeg
(instead of cinnamon and nutmeg, pumpkin pie spice works, put in 4 t)
2 c oats, quick or regular
2 c chocolate chips or raisins or a mix of both
Mix together. Dough will be soft and have a slightly fluffy texture.
Put on cookie sheets and cook for roughly 12 minutes. Cook at 350 degrees until middle is cakey (touch lightly with your fingertip), and light brown around the edges.

School for me may be closer than I thought!

I have been watching my sister who is going to Western Governors University, an online school, to finish her bachelors degree. I have researched it out a lot the last couple of months and want really bad to do it too. Yesterday I talked to an enrollment counsellor and filled out the FAFSA to get a pell grant. I thought I had to wait for that for a while, but it turns out I don't. Now to get all my many transcripts sent to the place to see where that all places me. The program I really am interested in is the RN to masters bridge program in leadership and management. Even if it takes 4-5 years to do it, that is okay with me. When my kids start getting to college, I want to be setting up my own clinic as a nurse practitioner, and this is a good step in the right direction!!!

The last 10 days...

I have not posted for a while. I have been kind of busy. Last weekend, Shaun drove to Las Vegas to meet up with his brother and his wife to pick up their 2 kids so I could watch them while they found a new house in a new state. Wasn't that so nice of him. Oh and he left my car with them too so they wouldn't have to pay money for a rental. It was a nice thought at first, but also a source of frustration. This week+ has been a very difficult one for me with lots of ups and downs. Heavenly Father knew what he was doing when he only gave me 2 kids. They are good kids, better than some, but they are still little and take a lot of effort.There is a part of me that is happy to help, but there are other darker sides to me. I'm just trying to focus on the good side! They are still here, and my life is starting to try to pick up again.

Run, run, run...

No this post is not about running. Today is a day that feels like everytime I turn around there is something else I need to do or take care of that was not in the plans--not necessarily a bad thing, but it feels a little crazy. Oh, and my run today was my best yet. I ran/walked my 2.8 mile route in 32 minutes. When I started at the beginning of the week, it took me 40 minutes and I thought I was going fast. Besides my run, I did a birthday breakfast run for Shaun's Mom, made zucchini bread, coordinated a dinner for a friend going through a hard time, and went to the store to get fixings for that dinner, drove to Shaun's work twice, fed my family twice, and just barely finished making texas chocolate cake for tonight's birthday celebration. It feels good to sit and get a breath, but I feel pretty accomplished looking back at the day!

The easy way out!

I know what I am going to do for Kayden for a school curriculum. He will always have math and journal, but after that he is going to use the cub scout pin program. It is age appropriate, and the academic pins have wonderful interactive ways of exploring various subjects. Plus at the end, I can get him a tangible reward that helps. He is as excited as I am because he really loves cub scouts. This is a huge burden off my mind!!

One obsession of many...

I have now gone running 3 mornings in a row. There is no feeling like it. My quads and my abs burn and ache, but it is a good ache! I start out kind of cold, and return sweaty and hot and feeling like a million bucks. My current route is 2.8 miles. It starts with a good uphill which I alternate walking and running, and then I run the rest of the way which is downhill and flat. I wish the cold weather weren't sneaking up on us, but I figure I have a couple months left of running outside. I am addicted to music, but right now I am trying to go without being tuned out. It's actually a great time to pray, meditate, scheme, plan and process.

My Earth Child!

Shaun swears Kaitlyn is all mine, and I am proud to take responsibility for her. She is my free spirited earth child! It is impossible to be frustrated at her very long. All she wants to do is experience, explore everything with all her senses and incorporate the information learned into her huge imagination! She loves anything magical and mysterious. Here she is playing with sand, or as she calls it, pixie dust!

Squash Garden

Plants make me happy, and right now, my squash garden is making me really happy. I have 5 squash plants and they are filling up the hill in my back yard. Shaun wanted to put sod there, and I wanted a squash garden because I never have room to let the squash plants do what they do. They are very busy making lots of little baby squashies that are getting bigger. We have spaghetti, summer, pumpkin and a couple of winter squash plants that I just can't remember what!

Oh and as you can see I got my camera cord figured out, so now I just need to remember to use pictures here! After all a picture is worth 1000 words...right? =)

Running

I went for a run this morning...okay, it was a walk/run. I walked the uphills and ran all the downhills and flat parts. It felt so good!! It has been almost a year since I was doing that regularly. As I was going I decided to make a goal for running. I want to do the Seattle Rock'N'Roll half marathon next June. I think it would be AWESOME, plus it will keep me from getting too fat and lazy this winter which is always my tendancy. Now to see if I can find someone to join me... =)

Early Morning Ramblings

There is something so peaceful and serene during the time before everyone wakes up. My window is open and the air is cool. The sun is working on coming up and the sprinklers are on across the street. My kids are still in bed resting and I have just finished studying my scriptures. I feel peaceful and content with the world, and I just don't want to move and disturb the peace. I need to soak these moments in like a sponge and spread it on to my children because I want so bad to have a good day where everyone works together. That is a dream, that sometimes seems far from reality, but a good one to hold up as a shining standard. I can't figure out what makes children fight and quarrel? I don't understand it. Why do they have the need to get each other in trouble and get mad all the time? I have a feeling if I could figure it out one day, the next day the reasoning would be totally different. Oh well, I just need to pray constantly for guidance so I am not alone in helping them. I have faith that Heavenly Father sent these particular 2 down to me for a reason, and that he wouldn't set me up in a lost cause. We can do all things with His help...even raise the children He sent us!!

A Bit of an Issue...

Pictures will start coming soon...

One issue with reorganizing, dejunking, moving is that there is always SOMETHING really important that magically disappears. I went looking for the cord to connect my camera to the computer to start downloading images so I could post things and it is nowhere to be found...Guess I'm going to see if I can find a replacement here today. Argh!!!

Summer storms

I love summer storms!! We had a good one in the early evening yesterday, and I think I managed to corrupt my daughter into loving them too. The rain came on sudden and very fast. There was no thunder or lightning associated with it, but there was a lot of water. I called Kaitlyn over to the window and asked if she wanted to go out in it. She was hesitant, but I managed to persuade her that she would be okay...after all she wasn't the wicked witch of the west and wouldn't melt, would she? She got in the rain and at first stood there with her head down deciding it wasn't too bad. Then she slowly did a variation of the sun salute, and then took off running through the rain. Then she saw how full the gutter was of running water and took off running up and down in the running water. Next thing I know she is sitting in the gutter with the water running all around her. My child once she decides she loves something never does anything part way!!! As suddenly as it started the storm was over and my adorable earth child was on her way to the shower!!! =) Definitely the best part of the day!!!

Homeschooling--sometimes up sometimes down

I am homeschooling my 2 kids. I started last year with Kayden who is now 9. So we are getting ready for 4th grade, and just when I think it is starting to go good, he cops an attitude again. It truly is like a huge roller coaster with him. It's either great or I am at a loss because it is a fight to get him to do anything. Not really sure what to do at the moment. He has taken 1 hour to write 4 lines. I finally told him that he is making a choice, because he can't do anything until his homework is done. Probably it is going to be time to involve Dad because he started this attitude 2 days ago and it isn't getting any better. It's pretty discouraging. I just have to remember why I am doing this!
Kaitlyn on the other hand is having a grand time. We started using the white board to practice her ABC letters. Then we read a book together, and a couple times I stopped to help her work on sounding simple words out. It hasn't clicked yet, but it is coming...

My current direction...

My current main focus is building home and family.
I was going to start looking for another job, but HRTC wants me back. They have scrounged hours from various areas so I can come back. Honestly right now all I want to work is 10-12 hours a week. It feels good to be valued!
Life has been such a roller coaster lately that I feel like a bit of a homebody. Since coming back, I have done some major organization projects (and am eying more), baked, done house chores, worked with and played with my children. I am getting ready for the school year and this year Kayden and Kaitlyn are both going to be taught at home.
Shaun looks like he will be starting the University's Police Academy in September which will be really good for him. I feel that while he does that I need to be home more since he will be home less, for a good cause! He has had a pretty rough time of it lately, and I think that having the academy to focus his free time will be just what he needs!
I have several hobbies that I want to explore and work more on. The big one I want to start working on is woodworking...see www.ana-white.com. This should make some of my organization projects more affordable! =)
There is much to do and much to be excited about!

Choices!

It has been several days since I have been able to make an entry here. Much has happened that is just too exhausting to recap and would take way too long. So long story short...
Basically I decided with help from family (especially my Dad) and close friends and church leaders that I have a crucial decision to make. Am I going to choose to have this situation drag me down, or am I going to use it to make me stronger? I have chosen the later.
My Dad had 2 very important points that hit me strongly:
1. Heavenly Father takes a personal interest in my life...I need to look for evidence of His hand in my life
2. We are told to be in the world but not of the world. We may live in a telestial world, but our homes need to be sanctuaries. At the temple, all influences that do not draw one closer to Heavenly Father are left at the front desk. Our homes truly can be like the temple, the important thing is to only allow influences that draw one closer to God in.
I also was very strongly prompted in another way that I need to focus on my blessings, on using my talents and strengths to help my family and others, and not to run faster than I have strength.
Since coming back to Utah (we got back late last Wednesday), I have been welcomed with open arms by everyone. I have a good life here, and I don't have to rebuild that. Last time I moved to Utah, I knew no one, and I had to prove myself to everyone. I don't need to do that. I have friends, love and support. I have my wonderful children, and dear husband. I am thankful I don't have to go back to where I was 11 years ago.
I can truly say I am happy. I still have pangs of regret and loss for what could have been in Washington, but looking back is only going to hold me back, and that will only hurt me and my loved ones. I could not have done this without help from above. I definitely feel closer to my Heavenly Father through this experience.

A Ray of Light

We just finished making the excruciating trip to turn down the WSP job offer. We got there about 6:40 am and Shaun talked with the Lt. in charge. They talked for a good 5 minutes. When they were done, the Lt came to the car to meet me, introduce himself and make sure I was all right. Then he explained the situation. He explained that there are 2 ways to leave the WSP, 1. termination, 2.resignation. He explained that this is a resignation and that there are no negative consequences, and if anything, there is good because any resulting background check would have a positive statement. He also said that we would have no problem getting back because Shaun had been hired on the first attempt, and the background check report would be that they would take him again...most people take at least 2 or 3 tries. What helped me was not so much the words he spake, but the look in his eyes. He treated me as if I meant something. He cared. It made all the difference.
I don't know if it makes it harder or easier to know that there is still a chance here. I guess the good thing is Shaun knows exactly what he is getting into here, if he decides to try again. Hard as this experience has been, is, and will continue to be, we actually gained a lot in the process. I can already see it!

Beginning to Rebuild

I already tried to write this post last night, but the internet went down.
I seriously thought I was done being upset...but I was wrong. I am learning that this next while is going to have some real ups and downs, for both me and and my husband. I just hope that we continue to alternate those for a while.
I had a real down time right before church. I went on a walk, and my brave husband came along. When I had calmed down, we found ourselves walking by the Sound. We found a bench and a quiet spot and started the rebuilding process. We have come to the realization (in different mind paths) that our immediate family is the most important, and that right now our goals need to be centered on taking care of ourselves and our little family so that we can be able to see those that most need our help. We discussed the need to continue growing and learning and progressing forward and not just treading water in the same place. We started tentatively throwing out ideas and thoughts, creating hopes which may lead to dreams again. It's a little scary for me to dream right now. I seriously feel like we have been through a figurative tidal wave or earthquake and are having to start rebuilding from scratch in a lot of areas.

After the Night comes the Day

Yesterday and the day before were probably 2 of the hardest days of my life. I came to the realization that I would probably never live permanently in the northwest near my family of origin again. Yes, I can always visit them, but it isn't the same. I have lived for the past 11+years in Utah and learned to find happiness there, but have always held out the dream of ending up near my family again. A dream like that is a hard thing to lose. I lost many a tear yesterday. Probably the last time I cried as hard as I did yesterday was the last time I moved to Utah and left my family behind 11+years ago.
Thankfully, my sister, L, helped me through the tears to see meaning and growth behind the pain and the sense of loss. This can and will help me to be a better, stronger person...because I choose to make it so! I will not let Heavenly Father down!!
I sit here and am watching the dawn of a new day rising up over the trees and lushness of the climate I love so much. To me it represents the rising of a new day and a new chapter. The hard day is over. The decision is made. There cannot be any turning back and wondering 'what if?' although that is the natural thing to do. I must look ahead and look to Heavenly Father for help to get me through the days to come. I can learn to be happy again!