A Ray of Light

We just finished making the excruciating trip to turn down the WSP job offer. We got there about 6:40 am and Shaun talked with the Lt. in charge. They talked for a good 5 minutes. When they were done, the Lt came to the car to meet me, introduce himself and make sure I was all right. Then he explained the situation. He explained that there are 2 ways to leave the WSP, 1. termination, 2.resignation. He explained that this is a resignation and that there are no negative consequences, and if anything, there is good because any resulting background check would have a positive statement. He also said that we would have no problem getting back because Shaun had been hired on the first attempt, and the background check report would be that they would take him again...most people take at least 2 or 3 tries. What helped me was not so much the words he spake, but the look in his eyes. He treated me as if I meant something. He cared. It made all the difference.
I don't know if it makes it harder or easier to know that there is still a chance here. I guess the good thing is Shaun knows exactly what he is getting into here, if he decides to try again. Hard as this experience has been, is, and will continue to be, we actually gained a lot in the process. I can already see it!

Beginning to Rebuild

I already tried to write this post last night, but the internet went down.
I seriously thought I was done being upset...but I was wrong. I am learning that this next while is going to have some real ups and downs, for both me and and my husband. I just hope that we continue to alternate those for a while.
I had a real down time right before church. I went on a walk, and my brave husband came along. When I had calmed down, we found ourselves walking by the Sound. We found a bench and a quiet spot and started the rebuilding process. We have come to the realization (in different mind paths) that our immediate family is the most important, and that right now our goals need to be centered on taking care of ourselves and our little family so that we can be able to see those that most need our help. We discussed the need to continue growing and learning and progressing forward and not just treading water in the same place. We started tentatively throwing out ideas and thoughts, creating hopes which may lead to dreams again. It's a little scary for me to dream right now. I seriously feel like we have been through a figurative tidal wave or earthquake and are having to start rebuilding from scratch in a lot of areas.

After the Night comes the Day

Yesterday and the day before were probably 2 of the hardest days of my life. I came to the realization that I would probably never live permanently in the northwest near my family of origin again. Yes, I can always visit them, but it isn't the same. I have lived for the past 11+years in Utah and learned to find happiness there, but have always held out the dream of ending up near my family again. A dream like that is a hard thing to lose. I lost many a tear yesterday. Probably the last time I cried as hard as I did yesterday was the last time I moved to Utah and left my family behind 11+years ago.
Thankfully, my sister, L, helped me through the tears to see meaning and growth behind the pain and the sense of loss. This can and will help me to be a better, stronger person...because I choose to make it so! I will not let Heavenly Father down!!
I sit here and am watching the dawn of a new day rising up over the trees and lushness of the climate I love so much. To me it represents the rising of a new day and a new chapter. The hard day is over. The decision is made. There cannot be any turning back and wondering 'what if?' although that is the natural thing to do. I must look ahead and look to Heavenly Father for help to get me through the days to come. I can learn to be happy again!